The Dirty Cookie and The Evil Stapler

Now that I'm back at work the hilarity of Capital Assets has resumed:

The Dirty Cookie:

Sometimes I seriously feel like I'm living in an “Office” episode. For example, last Wednesday Capital Assets experienced the equivalent of "Free Pretzel Day", only with barbeque food. Everyone spent the whole week looking forward to it and when the time finally came people fiercely guarded their places in line.

The best part of the food was the cookies. I was in line with Chris and he got one chocolate cookie with white chocolate chips and I got two of the exact same kind. As we walked back to the office Chris dropped his cookie on the hallway floor. Now this hallway is where all the trades guys track through during the day, so this cookie was a gonner. But Chris picked it up anyways.
So Chris and I were sitting at our desks an hour or so later. Chris stared at his cookie.

I asked, "Are you deciding whether to eat it or not?"

Chris says, "No, I'm deciding whether to throw it away or give it to someone I don’t like.”

“Who do you dislike enough that works here to give that disgusting cookie?”

“You.”

“Oh, ok. Well, I saw you drop the cookie ya know. So, I’m really curious how you are going to try and convince me to eat it.”

I should have been on my guard at this point. He’d already admitted that he had targeted me. But I wasn’t. Chris stands up, picks up his cookie, picks up my two identical cookies, and then puts them behind his back! He possibly mixes them around a bit and them sets all three cookies back on my desk. He just smirks and returns to his desk.

I was shocked! Now I didn’t know which one was the dirty cookie! It was a genius scheme that ranked up there with the Pepper and Ice Cream Scheme of St. Louis ‘10 and I walked right into it!

I decided that I had only two options: I could throw all the cookies away (tragedy!) or I could eat all the cookies (disgusting, but would get Chris back by making him feel bad). Thankfully, Chris offered to reveal the identity of the dirty cookie for a price. He had decided that he really wanted to eat one, so if I let him eat one of the clean cookies he’d tell me which one was the dirty one. I cut my losses and agreed. He walked over and just picked up a cookie and ate it! Ah!! I still didn’t know which one was the dirty cookie! He got me again!

After I fumed about this for awhile, Chris said to me in a very serious voice, “Rachel, after all that we’ve been through in our friendship, do you trust me?”

“Yes Chris, even though you steal and mess up my cookies I still trust you.”

“Ok. Well, I ate the dirty cookie.”

“What?! Why did you do that?”

I couldn’t believe he actually ate it! Well, actually I did believe him because I ate the other two (hopefully) clean cookies. He still tried to make me question this decision, but I still feel confident that he would have felt too bad if he had so thoroughly tricked me into actually eating the dirty cookie. Either way, it was one of the best schemes that has ever been played against me.

The Evil Stapler:

Chris and I have a lot of conversations about the technology in our office, which all has a habit of breaking. He knows a lot about such things so it’s usually him instructing me. Here are a few paraphrased transcripts:

Chris: “Oh, to be a printer. What a hard life that would be.”

Me: *Laughter*

Chris: “Rachel, have a little compassion.”

Me: “Please tell the scanner, copier, and printer I’m sorry. I don’t mean to belittle their experience. I just like dark humor.”

Chris: “I’ll tell them like R2D2 [using a technology interface language (sorry Chris if I explained that wrong)]. beep, beep, boop, boop” *hand gestures to accompany sound effects* “They all say they forgive you, except for the scanner.”

Rachel: “What?! That’s probably the one that I’m the nicest to.”

Chris: “Well, you just ruined that relationship didn’t you. Actually, he says he’s jealous of all the backrubs the printer gets.”

(I commonly rub the printer and speak nicely to it in order to try and prevent it from jamming. It usually works.)

Today was definitely my favorite though. We got a new electric stapler…

Chris: “Rachel! The new stapler is evil!! It has red eyes and red teeth!!” *uses fingers to create Monty-Python-rabbit-style-fangs* “It’s going to come and staple our toes!! Wherever you go the eyes follow you. We need to unite against this crisis. It’s going to get the printer and soon the phones on its side! The other staplers can be warriors against them!”

Chris then bravely stole the stapler schematics from the back copier area. I gave him a high five for this and he proceeded to research for a weakness. I agreed to join his alliance. We also tried to get another student, Whitney, to join our alliance but she seemed hesitant. I think she’ll come around when the evil stapler crisis gets worse.

Hehe, this is why Chris and I are friends. :D