Waiting

All summer I have been waiting. When I returned from Chapter Camp it was as if someone pushed start on a cosmic timer that started to click down towards the zero mark of everything I looked forward too. My dearest chum Kim left to do astrophysics research in Boston (sorry, Kim, if I described it incorrectly) for the whole summer. My roommate Emily left for Xi’an China, where I spent last summer, for 6 weeks. My good friend Jon left to Mozambique for the whole summer. David, the boy I’m totally crazy about, left to work at a summer camp in Illinois for…the whole summer. I just wanted them all to come back. Plus, student teaching was scheduled to begin at the end of August and I was (still am) waiting for information that will effect my future. I don’t think I have ever watched the calendar pages flip with such anticipation before.

The parts of the Bible that I read over the summer focused on this theme of waiting. I connected a lot with Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Joshua and Caleb as they all had to wait to have God’s promises fulfilled in their lives. God promised Abraham that He would give him a family, but he wasn’t given a son until his old age. Abraham even tried to take things into his own hands because God was taking too long, but it was clear when Isaac arrived that he was all Abraham had hoped for. Isaac had to wait for his wife and 20 years for his children, but God gave him the same promise and fulfilled it. Jacob had to work 14 years to be able to marry Rachel, whom he loved. He also had to wait until his old age to receive back his beloved son, Joseph. Joseph had to wait through years of slavery in Egypt before God fulfilled the visions He gave him as a boy. Moses had to grow up in Egypt, live in exile as a shepherd in Midian, and then go through all the plagues in response to Pharaoh’s hard heart before God fulfilled His promise to use him to lead the Israelites into freedom. Joshua and Caleb had to wait their whole lives wandering aimlessly in the desert before they got to enter into the Promise Land that they had seen with their own eyes. I’ve only had to wait about 4 months! Compared to 20 years and whole lifetimes, that feels like nothing.

This pattern of waiting on God struck me as very significant. Why does He consistently do this with those He loves and has BIG plans for? I read in the book Scandalous this summer that “God demonstrates His love through delay.” If that makes perfect sense to you, please teach me! I did learn that waiting usually has the following two purposes:

It is a time of wooing…it develops intimacy and dependency between us and God. We draw closer to Him in these times because we desperately need Him to come through for us. In these times, He carries us close, the way a father carries his child. And, we have rebellious hearts and need to be drawn close in order to remember that God alone is God and that loving Him is the purpose of our lives. I also think that often God demonstrates His love to us by giving His promises to us “ahead of time”. That way, in the darkest moments we can anchor ourselves to the solid ground of His word. It also gives us an opportunity to demonstrate our love to Him when we say with trust “I know this will happen eventually, even though it looks impossible, because He said it would”. It tests and develops our relationship with Him, as between two lovers. The delay also ensures that God gets all the glory and credit when the waiting is over. It was only God’s favor, power, and grace that preserved the line of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Joshua and Caleb. Through the thread of their story He continues to fulfill His word across their generations with enduring faithfulness.

It is a time of preparation…it makes us worthy and ready to receive the promise. Joseph and Moses needed to be prepared for unique positions of leadership. God chose Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to be the family, His own people, through whom He would reveal Himself to the rest of the world. He used those times of waiting in their lives to demonstrate His character and teach them who He is to make them able to carry the name of God. He was wrapping them up into something so much BIGGER than themselves, the very story of God! And He was bringing them into relationship with Him, that they might know God! They had to be ready to take good care of such a good and significant gift.

So, I’ve learned that God gives us times of waiting for a reason. We need to use the opportunities wisely. We also need to trust in His timing and hold tightly to God’s promises. They are the backbone of His story in our lives and He will be faithful to fulfill them.

Now that all the waiting is almost over, I’m really thankful that I’ve had this time. I’ve learned a ton, sorted through a lot of issues in my heart, and grown closer with Jesus. I feel more prepared to take good care of the gifts He has given me. His love for me, and His love for you, is lavish beyond measure. There is no better possible life than trusting Him and following His lead.

The Twitter Story

Many of you might be wondering why I just signed up for Twitter or at least why it’s such a big deal that I did. Well, here’s how it happened:

THE BACKSTORY:

For the past year my best friends Kim and Chris have been scheming to try and get me on Twitter. It started when Kim, who was my roommate, started tweeting ridiculous things that I would do. Chris, who follows her, would then make fun of me randomly for these things which he should have no knowledge of. Kim wouldn’t tell me what she would tweet unless I would get a Twitter to see for myself. So it basically became a game of Kim-and-Chris-try-to-drive-Rachel-crazy vs. Rachel-on-principle-stubbornly-refuses-to-let-them. Over this past year they have tried EVERYTHING to convince me to give in and get a Twitter. And I haven’t budged an inch…until today.

STAGE 1: RACHEL EPICALLY WINS

It started quite well for me at work this morning. Chris and I walked over to the dispatch area of our office. Chris put a work order in one of the maintenance guy’s folders and then turned around and full on ran into a table of walkie talkies. It was slap stick level clumsy. And he did it right in front of me. *evil laughter*

I busted up laughing so hard at him that I was crying and couldn’t breathe. I was definitely making fun of him for this one and he had no defense. It was a true WIN however when we returned to a previous conversation and Chris tried to scheme to get me to put up the hideous Christmas decoration. I just whipped back with “Chris I can’t put up the Christmas decorations because they’ll be too hazardous. You’ll probably just run into all of them.” And Chris just looked at me in shock and said “Well done.” He even tried to make fun of me for the fact that I say query incorrectly. I just smirked and said “Wow, that’s really all you got?” He said, “I’m hanging on by a thread here!” Yes. I win, I win, I win!

STAGE 2: RACHEL ACKNOWLEDGES HER TEMPORARY STATUS AS WINNER

Through my tears of laughter I told Chris “I know you’re going to get me back so good and ruin my life tomorrow. But that’s ok. It’s totally worth it. I’m just going to enjoy this for now.”
I definitely fully exercised by bragging rights. I mean I don’t win very often! Just read about the dirty cookie!

As we were walking out after work I smirked and said “Well, Chris. Today I have enjoyed being the winner. Tomorrow, I will return to being a loser, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my day as a winner.”

This is the point where I should have known better. I should have known that Chris would never let me off with a WHOLE DAY as the winner, especially not so easily. But I still didn’t see it coming.


STAGE 3: CHRIS HOLDS TARPOO HOSTAGE, NEGOTIATIONS

I meander in the nice Flagstaff weather back to my apartment. However, when I arrive at my landing who do I find there but Mr. Chris Huston. “What are you doing here?” I say. “Have a seat” he says.

Chris proceeds to play the perfect (though not stone hearted) part of the villain. He stands there with a smirk on his face in his sunglasses. He implies that he has (with some unnamed help) kidnapped Tarpoo, my stuffed animal seal. If you don’t know, Tarpoo is my one prized possession. I’ve had this stuffed animal since I was born and I sleep with him every night. Chris had found my one weakness.

He then proceeded to up the stakes by telling me that if I didn’t come up with my own acceptable terms or agree to his that he wouldn’t give Tarpoo back until at least Monday. I have to get my wisdom teeth out on Friday and I’m going to need Tarpoo! That was cruel and unacceptable. Then he added that if I was too difficult he would ship Tarpoo to a certain Mr. Jon Watson in Mozambique who hates hates hates Tarpoo. Jon would probably give Tarpoo to an adorable African child and I would never see him again!! Immediately I had this pit of helpless despair in my stomach and that feeling you get after losing a soccer match.

STAGE 4: THE TERMS, GET A TWITTER

Chris then offered that if I would eat saur kraut (from a more recent World Cup rivalry between us) and sign up for a Twitter then he would give me Tarpoo back immediately. That would be losing two rivalries just for the price of getting Tarpoo back right away. Utterly humiliating! Plus, I knew he had to be bluffing in some capacity, I just couldn’t figure out how much. I simply couldn’t risk him keeping or shipping off Tarpoo. However, my theory was if I could call his bluff just a little bit I could buy myself some time. I refused his terms and told him to leave.

Sure enough, as he was about to go down the steps he turned again and reduced the terms. I could choose death by shark or monkeys: eat a ton of saur kraut or sign up for a Twitter. I pondered this carefully. The Twitter rivalry has been going on for a long time and I’ve been trying to think of a way to end it well. I would have preferred for it to end well with ME winning, but this was also a good ending. Chris had defeated me soundly with his evil genius ways. I did a quick check to make sure Tarpoo was actually missing. Then I concede to the terms of signing up for Twitter.

STAGE 5: RACHEL EPICALLY LOSES, CREATES @ROLLEFSTAD

I sat down with Chris and I created a Twitter account as @Rollefstad. He had a big ole grin on his face as he took photographic evidence. I then publically announced by defeat (part of the terms) by posting it in my Facebook status. I’m sure this made Kim’s day, haha. I am now required to keep my Twitter permanently.

And Chris is a man of his word. He led me upstairs to our storage closet where Tarpoo was buried. As I held Tarpoo safe in my arms I knew that it was worth the price I had paid to get him back.

Congratulations, Chris and Kim. Well done. However, due to my win within the same 24 hour period, Chris did concede to me that today ended in a tie. *big grin* I feel I maintain some dignity with that conclusion and I am content.

I still haven’t decided what to do with my Twitter yet. I’ll have to get over the sting of defeat first. Then I might proceed to have some fun with it. Stay tuned I guess. Haha.

The Dirty Cookie and The Evil Stapler

Now that I'm back at work the hilarity of Capital Assets has resumed:

The Dirty Cookie:

Sometimes I seriously feel like I'm living in an “Office” episode. For example, last Wednesday Capital Assets experienced the equivalent of "Free Pretzel Day", only with barbeque food. Everyone spent the whole week looking forward to it and when the time finally came people fiercely guarded their places in line.

The best part of the food was the cookies. I was in line with Chris and he got one chocolate cookie with white chocolate chips and I got two of the exact same kind. As we walked back to the office Chris dropped his cookie on the hallway floor. Now this hallway is where all the trades guys track through during the day, so this cookie was a gonner. But Chris picked it up anyways.
So Chris and I were sitting at our desks an hour or so later. Chris stared at his cookie.

I asked, "Are you deciding whether to eat it or not?"

Chris says, "No, I'm deciding whether to throw it away or give it to someone I don’t like.”

“Who do you dislike enough that works here to give that disgusting cookie?”

“You.”

“Oh, ok. Well, I saw you drop the cookie ya know. So, I’m really curious how you are going to try and convince me to eat it.”

I should have been on my guard at this point. He’d already admitted that he had targeted me. But I wasn’t. Chris stands up, picks up his cookie, picks up my two identical cookies, and then puts them behind his back! He possibly mixes them around a bit and them sets all three cookies back on my desk. He just smirks and returns to his desk.

I was shocked! Now I didn’t know which one was the dirty cookie! It was a genius scheme that ranked up there with the Pepper and Ice Cream Scheme of St. Louis ‘10 and I walked right into it!

I decided that I had only two options: I could throw all the cookies away (tragedy!) or I could eat all the cookies (disgusting, but would get Chris back by making him feel bad). Thankfully, Chris offered to reveal the identity of the dirty cookie for a price. He had decided that he really wanted to eat one, so if I let him eat one of the clean cookies he’d tell me which one was the dirty one. I cut my losses and agreed. He walked over and just picked up a cookie and ate it! Ah!! I still didn’t know which one was the dirty cookie! He got me again!

After I fumed about this for awhile, Chris said to me in a very serious voice, “Rachel, after all that we’ve been through in our friendship, do you trust me?”

“Yes Chris, even though you steal and mess up my cookies I still trust you.”

“Ok. Well, I ate the dirty cookie.”

“What?! Why did you do that?”

I couldn’t believe he actually ate it! Well, actually I did believe him because I ate the other two (hopefully) clean cookies. He still tried to make me question this decision, but I still feel confident that he would have felt too bad if he had so thoroughly tricked me into actually eating the dirty cookie. Either way, it was one of the best schemes that has ever been played against me.

The Evil Stapler:

Chris and I have a lot of conversations about the technology in our office, which all has a habit of breaking. He knows a lot about such things so it’s usually him instructing me. Here are a few paraphrased transcripts:

Chris: “Oh, to be a printer. What a hard life that would be.”

Me: *Laughter*

Chris: “Rachel, have a little compassion.”

Me: “Please tell the scanner, copier, and printer I’m sorry. I don’t mean to belittle their experience. I just like dark humor.”

Chris: “I’ll tell them like R2D2 [using a technology interface language (sorry Chris if I explained that wrong)]. beep, beep, boop, boop” *hand gestures to accompany sound effects* “They all say they forgive you, except for the scanner.”

Rachel: “What?! That’s probably the one that I’m the nicest to.”

Chris: “Well, you just ruined that relationship didn’t you. Actually, he says he’s jealous of all the backrubs the printer gets.”

(I commonly rub the printer and speak nicely to it in order to try and prevent it from jamming. It usually works.)

Today was definitely my favorite though. We got a new electric stapler…

Chris: “Rachel! The new stapler is evil!! It has red eyes and red teeth!!” *uses fingers to create Monty-Python-rabbit-style-fangs* “It’s going to come and staple our toes!! Wherever you go the eyes follow you. We need to unite against this crisis. It’s going to get the printer and soon the phones on its side! The other staplers can be warriors against them!”

Chris then bravely stole the stapler schematics from the back copier area. I gave him a high five for this and he proceeded to research for a weakness. I agreed to join his alliance. We also tried to get another student, Whitney, to join our alliance but she seemed hesitant. I think she’ll come around when the evil stapler crisis gets worse.

Hehe, this is why Chris and I are friends. :D

All the Rest: 4 days in Cincinnati

Due to exhaustion, both my and Molly's patience levels were wearing thin by the time we got into Lafayette. Thankfully, we were able to sleep in a hotel that night and recharge our batteries. The next morning, Monday, we drove the three-ish hours back to Cincinnati.

I spent the next four days with Molly and her family in Cincinnati. One of the major benefits of having a culinary major for a best friend is that you have great connections to great food such as cheesecake, strawberry scones, and paninis. :)

Unforunately, since her school is year-round, Molly still had homework and class as well as work. The down side of that was more stress for poor Molly and us not getting to spend as much time together. The up side was I got to see Molly's school and spend some time with her family.

My last day there, Molly was free so we spent it at the zoo and The Cone. The Cone is a local ice cream stand that is shaped like giant ice cream cone. It and Ted Drew's in St. Louis are my favorite ice cream places on the planet. When Molly and I were younger our families used to visit these two places a lot. It was interesting walking down memory lane and seeing places that I hadn't seen since I was much shorter. Ironically, I thoroughly enjoyed this day of choosing to act like a child, but I was so frustrated just a few days before when I felt treated like a child. Hmm...interesting.

Thursday evening Molly took me to the airport and we said goodbye. My flight to Salt Lake went without a hitch. However, my connecting flight to Phoenix got grounded because of maintenance issues. Lame. Thankfully though, Delta did a good job and got us on a different plane within a half an hour. I almost missed the announcement for it they did it so quickly. I met a fellow prayer warrior on that plane: the high school kid behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to pray with him for the flight. I can only guess that he identified me by my David Crowder Band t-shirt. :)

Eventually, I landed safely on solid ground. I spent a few days with my family in Phoenix and now I'm here in beautiful Flagstaff. It feels good to be back and settled after all the craziness, especially now that my roommate Felicia is back! It certainly was an adventure. Now I guess I'll just have to see what the rest of the summer has to offer. :)

Sunshine on Michigan Avenue: Chicago Day 3

Sunday was picturesque, sunny, and warm. It was literally the perfect day to walk around outside all day.

Molly had decided that she wanted to spend some quality family time with Jeremy and she knew that I wanted to spend some quality time with David. So, I woke up early that morning and took the train myself back to Jessica's apartment while Molly stayed to spend the day with her cousin.

David met me at the station. We waited for a bit at the apartment where Laura made us omelets. Without exaggeration they were some of the prettiest omelets I've ever seen, and they were the first Laura had ever made! The first time I made omletes they definitely did not look like that. That girl's got talent.

Eventually, David and I left and spent the afternoon walking hand in hand up and down Michigan Avenue. We got free chocolate at Ghiradelli's and Hershey's, looked at foreign Harry Potter covers in a European book store, perused a photography gallery, explored the 4 story Borders, rode the escalators in the Water Tower mall, and played in the Lego store (which was so cool!!). We also stood beside the river, watched a one man band, and saw this fascinating building that had rocks from all over the world embedded in it.

David bought me lunch at Einsteins and we just sat and talked for a long time. It was perfect because a patch of rain came right as we went in and cleared up by the time we left. :)

We met up with Jessica and Laura back at the apartment and left again to get coffee. I was salty because they gave me a hot chocolate when I ordered a hot chai, but the saltiness soon dissolved as Laura and David rocked out loud to "That's not My Name" (or whatever it's called) by the TingTings. Priceless.

The saddest thing about such incredible days is that they have to come to an end. David and Laura took me to Union Station, where after surviving a communication snafu, I met Molly to catch out Amtrak back to Lafayette. I gave a giant hug and quick goodbye-I'm-going-to-miss-you-like-crazy to David. Molly and I ran and jumped onto our train and we were gone...

A Tall Glass of Water: Chicago Day 2

Saturday morning, our second day in Chicago, we watched the rain fall outside the windows of Nathan's apartment until around lunch time. The clouds cleared up and Nathan, Anka, Molly, and I all jumped on a metro train to Jeremy's side of town.

With Jeremy we hopped a few more buses to a local culinary legend: Hot Doug's. When we arrived at this hot dog stand the line wrapped out the door and almost a block down the sidewalk. I figured, if this many people are willing to wait this long for a hot dog, it must be good right? Molly and I passed the time mostly by talking with Jeremy, who has a great sense of humor. A moth came and landed on his chest and then flew away. He said "Ah, moths. They come and go out of your life so quickly." I added, "And steal your heart away." The three of us lamented this fact for several minutes and then laughed until we couldn't breathe.

Sure enough Hot Doug's food was amazing and worth the hour and a half wait. The best part though was catching the waiter dancing with a tray to "Dancing Queen". He stopped dancing and looked at me sheepishly when he saw me watching. He said, "I guess that was kinda weird huh?" I replied, "No, that was amazing!"

After Hot Dog's it was that strange goodbye to Nathan and Anka where Molly and I followed Jeremy into the middle of the street. Molly, Jeremy, and I critiqued Food Network chefs at Jeremy's until dinner time. Then, Molly and I caught the L train to go meet up with David Tollefsen at his older sister's apartment.

David's older sister, Jessica, is married and lives in an apartment right across the street from Moody Bible Institute. How cool is that? Molly and I rendezvoused with them successfully there. It felt so good to have the freedom to navigate on our own! I was a bit nervous to meet Jessica and her husband John for the first time, but it turned out I had no need to be.

That evening with David's family was like a tall glass of cold water after a day in the Phoenix sun. They welcomed Molly and I in with open arms and showed us incredible hospitality. They seemed to be genuinely glad that we were there and interested in getting to know us. It was the most at peace and rested I felt the entire trip. And the interesting thing was you could tell they weren't trying to go above and beyond, they were just being themselves. Especially with the contrast of the night before, their lifestyle reflected Jesus to me in one of the most tangible ways I've ever experienced.

We grilled dinner out on the roof of their apartment building until dusk. I got to talk to John about his vision for planting a church in Tucson as well as quote about 1/4 of the Princess Bride. At some point I got to talk to Jessica as well about her classes at Moody. It was also cool to get to know David's younger sister, Laura, a little better and see her open up some and be goofy. :) And, of course, it was great to just to be able to hang out and talk with David.

After dinner, we all went swimming in their apartment pool and hot tub and played around like little kids. When it got late, Molly and I were just going to take the train home, but John and David offered to drive us back to Jeremy's. Again, they offered without so much as a hint of annoyance or incovenience. They didn't do it out of obligation, they did it because they cared about us and wanted to do it. Even though they had just met us. Amazing.

Before bed, Molly, Jeremy, and I played a cut-throat (almost literally) game of Sorry! with Jeremy's girlfriend, Beth. It was definitely worth staying up until 2:30 am for! Beth kicked all our butts though, but Jeremy came in from behind to make it a close second.

Molly and I figured out all our plans for the next day and crashed.

Impressionism: Chicago Day 1

Our first day in Chicago, Friday, was a bit like an impressionist painting. If you stand back a bit and stroke your chin as you take in the whole picture, you see that is it quite stunning and captivating. A work of art. However, if you step closer all you can see are smudges and dots, some even in ugly colors. As a whole, Friday was an amazing day; however, some of the details were frustrating smudges.

Friday can also be related to impressionism because we went to the Chicago Art Institute and viewed several beautiful impressionist paintings. It was breathtaking to be surrounded by exquisite works by Monet and Renoir. My favorites were Chrysanthemums and Seascape by Renoir. We walked around for several hours and saw a special exhibit of Matisse work and other paintings, including Nighthawks.

After lunch we walked around Millenium Park, which is sort of the same idea as Central Park. We saw "The Bean" sculpture, the actual name of which is "Cloudgate". I feel kind of sorry for the artist who created such an awesome work with an elegant name, only to have it referred to as a bean all the time. Haha, oh well. We also walked past Buckingham Fountain and Lake Michigan. We saw lots of flowers and sculptures and Nathan made up "tour information" for us as we went along.

Since we had been walking the whole afternoon and Molly didn't get much sleep we went back to rest at Nathan and his wife Anka's apartment. They live on the 44th floor in the heart of the city. The view was incredible!! It also had a revolving door. Molly and I found all the revolving doors in the city to be quite a novelty. Our guides always just laughed at us.

Friday night we took a taxi to Alhambra's Palace, a Middle Eastern restaurant with live music and dancers. I had delicious chicken tagine. It was interesting though because they had Spanish and Mexican flaminco dancers as the entertainment for the evening. Middle Eastern restaurant...Spanish dancers...hmmm, ok. Molly's other cousin, Jeremy (Nathan's brother), also joined us for dinner along with some of Nathan's friends. It was a fascinating cultural experience.

So, as you can see the day was a good one that definitely gave us a taste of Chicago. But, here are the smudges. I had hoped to be able to rendevous with David on Friday, but at the last minute it didn't work out timing and distance-wise, which was disappointing. I was very grateful to Nathan for being willing to take us around, but something about his attitude towards us made me feel dragged around like a 7 year old. I felt like he didn't trust us to figure anything out on our own and like he was bored of babysitting. This was not helped by the fact that after dinner we stayed at the restaurant for I would guess two more hours while Nathan proceeded to drink. You might know that I have bad experience personal issues with situations like that. Also, the music changed to blaring Middle Eastern music that prevented me from being able to hear Molly even if she was shouting next to me. When we finally arrived back at the apartment I slept on the couch in a jacket with a rolled up t-shirt as a pillow. These parts of the experience made me feel trapped, smothered, awkward, unwanted, and disrespected.

That's why I like the metaphor, though it might be stretched a little, of the impressionist painting. My overall impression of Chicago itself was good and I was excited to move on to the next day.

Planes, trains, and automobiles...

The stages of my journey to Chicago were as follows:

1) Shuttle from Flagstaff to Phoenix at 4:00am. Yuck! (Thank you so much Alida for giving me a ride to the parking lot!)

2) Plane from Sky Harbor to Cincinnati Airport via Delta Airlines. I had to wait in the airport for hooooouuuuurrsssss. But that was ok, because that way there was no stress about missing the flight (*cough* like going to St. Louis *cough*). I had a window seat, buuut it was rather bumpy the entire way. I don't do so well with that. I almost kissed the ground when we touched down at the Cincinnati Airport (which is in Kentucky actually, weird). Molly and her younger brother Cade came to pick me up. Yay Molly!!!! :D

3) Automobile from Cincinnati to the suburb West Chester with Molly and Cade. We ate at Chipotle and essentially got it for free because a lighting bolt struck right outside the building and knocked out the electric register. Sweet! I also shocked the heck out of Molly by pulling a sarcasm card and telling Cade to Eat it! when I suspected he didn't like one of my favorite movies. Haha. Molly and I also drove through our old neighborhood where we met on the bus in 2nd grade. :)

4) Automobile on Thursday afternoon from West Chester to Lafayette, Indiana. There was a slight foul up with Molly's fan belt, but soon we got that fixed by the local mechanic and were on our way. Molly was the official driver and I was the offical navigator. We both performed admirably and spent the few hours jamming to music and talking about boys, haha. :) We stayed at Molly's aunt and uncle's house. We ate at a restaurant called 9 Irish Brothers where I had amazing fish and chips! Molly's aunt also showed us around the college town and we got to see a little bit of Purdue. It reminded me a lot of a bigger version of NAU. I loved it. :)

5) Train (Amtrak) Friday morning from Lafayette to Chicago Union Station. Woke at 5:30 am for this one too, ugh. Haha, but Molly and I boarded without any fuss and the ride was quite comfortable. We watched the countryside roll past until it morphed into the skyscrapers of Chicago. Molly's cousin, Nathan, met us at the station and walked us to his apartment.

6) Buses, L trains, Metra trains, and taxis ( I think that's what they're called) all over the city. On Friday we spent the day in Nathan's care. His method of teaching us the local transportation system was to equip us with CTA cards that work on buses and the L and then to go places and have us follow. Get on this bus, get off, cross this street, run to this train, and you better follow or you'll get left behind!! We were so conditioned to this method that on Saturday, when Molly's other cousin, Jeremy, was our guide, he stepped out into the middle of the road and we just hopped off the curb and followed him. Turned out he was just looking down the street to see if the next bus was coming. He gave us the strangest look and we had to explain ourselves, haha. It was a great crash course though and we got to navigate by ourselves a couple times. Molly also got her first ride in a taxi when we took one to and from dinner with Nathan and his wife on Friday night. So yeah, all the transportation in itself was a great adventure. :)

Next up...our exploration of the city on Friday...

Adventure is Out There!!

In less than two days, on Wednesday morning, I will be boarding a plane to Cincinnati, Ohio! Land of green grass, lightning bugs, and the Cone. It makes the Midwest part of my heart very happy. :) I'm going there to visit my best friend Molly. We have been friends since we met on the school bus in 2nd grade, when my family lived there in Cinci at the time. I haven't seen her in two years and I am stoked beyond belief to see her in two days!! :D

Over the weekend, Molly and I are going to gallivant into Chicago to enjoy the city life. It's both our fix of adventure for the summer before we both have to go back to work and (for Molly) school. So we're going to make the most of it. :)

Also, while in Chicago we will have several handsome young guides, two of which are Molly's cousins and one of which is the certain Mr. David Tollefsen. It's been several weeks since I've gotten to see him and it will be many many weeks before I get to see him again after that. So, I'm also super excited to spend time with him on his side of the country for a bit. ;)

I will update with stories of our adventures as they happen. Hopefully it will be as epic as Ferris Bueller's Day Off. :D

Pen Thieves, Marriage, Ritz Crackers, and Funny Faces

The majority of this summer I will be working in the Capital Assets office at NAU. I've been doing this job during school since I was a freshmen, so I know the ropes. However, while I am incredibly thankful for it, it can be mind numbingly boring. Answering phones, data entry, filing...all...day...long.

Things are looking up though because one of my best friends, Mr. Chris Huston, has started to work there for the summer as well. In just one week, I'm pretty sure I've laughed 'til I cried every single day.

Here are a few of the tales that I already have. I'm sure there will be plenty more where these came from.

Pen Thief: So one of the many jokes that Chris and I banter back and forth about is that he is a pen finder and I am a pen loser. I will explain this more another time, but essentially it means just that. Everywhere he goes he finds pens lying around and keeps them. Everywhere I go my pens disappear into thin air the way your socks do in the dryer. I always try to tease Chris that he is in fact a pen thief, but I've never really had sufficient ammunition until the other day.

Chris and I were walking out to the parking lot after work and he realized that he still had an office pen behind his ear! He had stolen it! "Pen thief! Pen thief!" I accused over and over. He then proceeded to threaten to stab me with the pen in order to silence me. I pointed out that it would be super ironic if I (a pen loser) died (the ultimate loss) by a pen. He also tried to trick me and Jenny Charvoz into taking the pen off his hands. No way was I going to become an accessory to his crime! We then made a deal that if he returned the pen the next day his slate would be clean and he would not be a pen thief.

He did return the pen the next day. However, he did end up participating in some rather "sketch" actions. I'm concerned that his pen thievery was just a gateway to worse behavior... ;)

Marriage: Friday I came into work wearing my brown Intervarsity shirt. I panicked for a moment when I walked in and noticed that Chris was wearing a shirt in a similar shade of brown. *sigh of relief* It wasn't the same one. However, Chris says "Woah, Rachel. I almost wore that same shirt today!" Weird.

Later, Chris and I are sitting at the front two desks and one of the carpenters asks us to make a purchase slip for him. Since Chris is new to this, I slide my chair over to help him. As we are working the carpenter says, "Hey are you two married to each other? I just noticed your rings." Chris has his actual wedding ring on, but all I'm wearing is a purity ring (though, granted it's on my left hand). Chris and I manage to remain calm and simply reply "No" and finish his purchase slip.

As soon as he's gone we look at each other and burst out laughing. "That was so awkward!!" Eventually we calm down, but a few minutes later Chris looks at me and says "What if we had been wearing the same shirt?? How incredibly awkward would that have been?!" Then we both completely cracked up again. Oh dear.

I think I'm going to have to wear my purity ring on my right hand now at work because this is the 3rd time I've had to awkwardly explain to people there that I'm not married. Or I could just see what crazy story happens next. :)


Ritz Crackers: One afternoon Chris was making small talk about how much he loves Ritz crackers. He said that they are his comfort food and he could eat a whole sleeve at once. I don't blame him, they are amazing. :)

Then he starts talking about how he had this one friend who made these desserts once with Ritz crackers...and peanut butter...and they were sooo good. But he couldn't remember who made them. I get a wicked grin on my face and ask "Did they have peanut butter in the middle?" "Yeah!" "And where they dipped in chocolate?" "Yeah, who made those? I bet it was Emily. It was Emily, right?" At this point all I can do is laugh and point at myself. Chris just says "What?"

"Me! It was me! I made the cookies!" I blurted out between laughing. Chris was like, "When?" "For your Super Bowl party" I responded. I still couldn't stop laughing.

Finally, Chris says "Rachel, it's not that funny." Then I remind him of a conversation we'd had about a month before about those same cookies. In that conversation, he didn't remember the cookies at all. In fact, I'd tried to explain them a few different ways and he still didn't remember them!! And now here he was blathering about how good they were to me and he doesn't even remember that I was the one who made them. Hilarious!

This best part though was he gets this look of recognition and embarassment on his face and says "Oh, yeah...I remember that conversation." Ha! Priceless. :D

The Face: So this story is harder to tell, because obviously you'd have to see the face for yourself. I think it's still worth a shot.

At the end of the day on Monday I was explaining to Chris and the other new student worker how to do their daily time sheets. It's pretty straight forward, but as I finish I look over at Chris and he has this incredibly exaggerated look of confusion and incredulation. It looked like a cartoon character trying to express "What?! You're kidding me. We have to do it this way? That's so tedious and weird that I'm insulted." I assumed that Chris was doing this to make fun of me, but it was literally the funniest face I've ever seen him make so I busted up laughing.

Chris changes his face to just plain confusion and says "Why are you laughing?" In between gasps of laughter I manage "Your face was priceless." Chris' responds with "What face?"

Now I'm pretty good at telling when Chris is joking and when he's dead serious, and at this moment he was dead serious. He didn't mean to make that face at all. So now I can't breathe and I'm wiping tears from my eyes because I'm laughing so hard.

Chris tries to defend himself by saying "I wasn't making a weird face!" And I say, "You wouldn't know, you weren't the one that saw it." He says "Well it was my face and I'm pretty sure I know what my own face does." My response. "Well obviously you don't because I saw it and it was ridiculous! So don't be salty." Haha, point for Rachel!! :)

So there ya go, tune in next time for more ridiculous stories from Capital Assets. :P

Common Oddities

So at the beginning of our drive back from Colorado Springs to Flagstaff, I saw a very fat Chihuahua curled up sleeping behind the neck of a driver. At that moment I knew it was going to be a very strange trip and began to keep a list of weird things we saw. Here are the results.

Common Oddities:

1. Fat Chihuahua curled up sleeping behind driver's neck
2. Llamas!
3. 2nd Chihuahua sitting on its driver's lap
4. A three man band playing on the access road running parallell to the highway. It was in the middle of nowhere and there was no audience.
5. A moose with wings on a truck mudflap
6. Flashing signs in New Mexico that said: Superblitz! Cinco De Mayo. Cops everywhere!
7. A cow that turned its head to watch us as we passed by
8. A herd of broken down vans clustered in the woods
9. A cresent moon (I think that's the proper term) that appeared to eclipse. It was in fact only a fake eclipse (fauxclipse), but we still don't know what obscured it from vision.
10. The tuxedoed gentleman in the parking lot when we dropped off Dahlia:

Tuxedo man: "Did you guys just come back from a trip?"

Dahlia: "Yeah, we just got back from camp in Colorado Springs."

Tuxedo man: "That's cool."

Dahlia: "Where are you off to?" (referring to his garb)

Tuxedo man: "Oh I don't really know. My life is an adventure right now. I don't really know where I'm headed next. "

Dahlia: "So you're just dressed in a tuxedo for no reason?"

Tuxedo man: "No, I was a groomsman in a wedding earlier today. Hopefully I can find my friend now."

Dahlia: "Oh, good luck with that."

Tuxedo man: "Thanks" (he walks off into the night)

Krista (to Dahlia): "Do you know him?"

Dahlia: "No."

It was an interesting trip indeed. :)

Moseses and Joshuas

So after all that there was still one more full day left!

Friday, we spent learning about Moseses (Mosi? Mosen?) and Joshuas. Joshua was sort of Moses' apprentice. When Moses lead the Isrealites, Joshua followed him around and learned what to do. As a result, after Moses' death when Joshua became leader of the Isrealites, Joshua was a certain kind of leader because of the lessons he'd learned from Moses.

As we studied Joshua, I saw how different he and his generation were from Moses and the Isrealites of Moses' generation. In his "burning bush moment" right before the defeat of Jericho, Joshua doesn't hesitate in saying yes. Also, the people follow his crazy intructions about marching around Jericho without any recorded complaining. It was also Joshua's generation that got to taste the fruit of the Promise Land. They got to be a part of God fulfilling His promise.

Lately, I've been having conversations with people my age about how I feel that our generation is different from our parent's generation. I've met so many people from my generation who came from nominally Christian homes. Their parents have lived somewhere between quiet and fake Christian lives. But God is calling them as students to radical sacraficial lives to change the world in big ways. And they are saying yes. I saw my generation in the story of Joshua's generation.

We have tasted the fruit of the Promised Land and we can never go back.

As I was thinking about it, that made me realize that I think my mom has been a Moses in my life. She comes from the generation before me. She is the one who is largely responsible for my becoming a Christian at a young age, the one who taught me out to study Scripture, and (in her own way) the one who has supported my choices to sacrafice my whole life to follow after Jesus. She told me once that she has always believed that my life was meant for something radically significant and special. However, I want so much more than the life my mom has had: if I get married and have a family I want God to be at the center of that and I want to see the world change. This was a cool realization for me, because I've been frustrated with feeling like my gratefulness for and discontent with my family's spritual influence were irreconcilable. Turns out they both fit perfectly together in the example of Moses and Joshua. I have peace now in thanking my mom for how much value she's had in my life and running after something even greater.

This week also meant a lot to me because I got to see a lot of my "Joshua's" really step up and take on the challenge of saying yes to God. I was so proud of all of them!! And I just can't express how much it meant to me to see the fruit of the time and effort I've poured into their lives over the past four years. And I feel like I'm leaving the chapter in more than good hands. I have confidence that they will even surpass what was done in my time, which is exactly what I want. The joy of that gave me so much fuel to move forward.

Overall, everthing just gave me a sense of completion. Everything had ended so well and has all been handed off. Steven gave me the honor of praying over the Ebenezer rocks on our last morning, and it just felt like I was sealing my time as a student in Intervarsity. The old has been completed and I have been equipped with what I need for the new to begin.

If this is how it started how will it end up? :)

The time has come to dream again.

Pillar of Cloud

The sense of anticipation for what God was up to only continued to grow as the week progressed.

In my past experiences with camp, conferences, or even missions trips it takes half the time to press in before anything really significant happens. Usually, stuff that's in the way has to be broken down or people's hearts have to be prepared before they're ready to let God enter in and and move among them.

Not this time.

We steeped in the life of Moses for the week, studying Exodus 3-4:20, Exodus 33, Numbers 11, and Joshua 5:10-6:20. The central question was: Will you change the world?

Aslan was one the move from the beginning. Before the end of the first full day of camp I was already having conversations with people who were telling me about what God was teaching them or calling them to. On Wednesday night we prayed together as a chapter for the NAU campus. I heard both upper and underclassmen pray big, bold, strong prayers for our campus. I coud feel God's presence in the room with us. I kept thinking, "If this is how it starts, what is gonna happen by the end?"

The weather that week was freezing and a couple times we got a layer of snow. Most days though camp was just covered in dense fog and mist. As we were studying Exodus, I couldn't help but think it was if God had come down in a pillar of cloud to meet with us that week.

I saw Him do the biggest thing on Thursday night, both for me personally and for our community. Steven spoke on "Will you change the world even when it's hard?" He talked about the 3 walls that world changers always hit when they reach the point of wanting to quit.

The Walls:

1. Feeling the pull of the "good life" or "comfortable life" that you gave up.
2. Feeling alone and abandoned.
3. Feeling crushed by the burdens of the people you're leading or just the darkness of the world.

So my brain was exploding. Let me explain why. Even though this past had been the happiest one of my college life there had been a few days at the end (Fridays specifically) where I would feel anxious, sad, and lonely for no identifiable reason. But now, here was Steven articulating for me what I had been feeling! I had been anxious, sad, and lonely because I was facing the reality that I will hit these walls as I enter into the life of a world changer. I was so happy just to have an explanation for the crummy way I had been feeling!!

Then, Steven articulated the promises of HOPE that are attached to these walls when they come.

The Hope and Joy

1. Perseverance is possible because God will always provide what you need.
2. You will never be alone. God will go with you and He will always provide you with the people you need. You will always be led! (Isn't that crazy awesome!?)
3. God will never abandon you to carry the burdens of the darkness of the world or the brokeness of people. The Holy Spirit will always give you the comfort you need and carry the burdens for you.

I couldn't believe it! God had given me the exact joy and hope I needed to step into the next stage of my life as a world changer!

Steven said that he was going to ask people to stand if they wanted to say yes to being a world changer even when it's hard. I was literally bouncing on the edge of my seat, eager to stand and say yes. However, I didn't expected more than half the room to stand. By this point in the week, and especially after that talk, we were understanding that saying yes to God meant laying your whole life on the altar. It's a yes that is almost as significant as becoming a Christian. I felt the only reason I was so ready to say yes was because God had been working on me for the past 4 years. But oh boy, did I under estimate was God was doing in that room.

Steven asks us to stand if we want to say yes and...

The whole room stood without hesitation.

Every single student stood up at the same moment that I did (the girl who was on the edge of her seat!).

I literally couldn't contain the joy inside me at that moment. And the joy just kept growing as I heard the stories from my own chapter of what they had said yes to and what God was calling them to. I want to remember that night forever as a holy moment. God is going to use the people that were in that room to do BIG CRAZY SCARY things for the Kingdom of Heaven. And I got to be there in the moment when they said yes.

Healing

I anticipated that God would do miracles at camp, but I never expected that I would get to be part of one.

The night before I was supposed to leave for Chapter Camp (Saturday night) I spent a lot of quality time with my toilet puking my guts out. I still don't know what I had; it must have been either food poisoning or some weird virus. Either way, I'm sure it was only compounded by the stress of the week I had just finished. After a bottle of Pepto-Bismol I stopped puking, but I was still feeling super sick. Thankfully, I was able to catch a late ride to camp the next day. I slept like a rock for almost the entire 12 hr. drive.

The first two days (Monday and Tuesday) I was still nauseous but able to participate as long as I slept all through free time and ate only granola bars. Tuesday night I finally got hungry enough to try eating dinner (even though the idea of food scared me). I felt like a million bucks after I ate and I thought it was finally over!

Next day, Wednesday, I ate breakfast. That turned out to be a big mistake. We do manuscript Bible study right after breakfast and during the study my stomach just locked up. It hurt like crazy, but logically I said to myself "This is the way it felt the first night. Just go throw up and you'll feel better." So I slipped off to my cabin to try that.

But I couldn't throw up and the pain got worse. I curled up on the foot of my bed. I couldn't really breathe or think. Something was wrong and I started to panic. I just started praying that someone would come find me.

Thankfully, Stacy Roome came to my rescue. I scared her to death though, poor thing. Neither of us knew what to do. The only thing that kept running through my mind was that I needed someone to pray for me and the only name that kept coming to mind was Jon Watson. So I told Stacy, go tell Jon Watson to come pray for me.

Jon came and asked what was wrong. He started praying that God would heal me. The panic and fear washed away and I felt at peace. I suddenly believed everything was going to be ok, even though the pain was still so strong.

I told Jon and he prayed for me again. He prayed all of the reasons why I needed to be better in order to be able to participate and serve at camp. And the pain went away. The pain stopped! It was gone!!

Jon and I both laughed out of relief and joy. Jon prayed one more time, praising God and asking that the intense nausea would stop and that I would be fully healed. When he finished I felt the same level of healthy that I had the day before. I just felt exhausted, as if I had played an entire soccer game.

I took it easy the rest of the day, but I ate dinner that night. Thursday and Friday I ate 3 meals and stayed awake all day. I haven't gotten sick since then.

Isn't that incredible?! It explodes my brain. God used my sickness and pain for His Glory and completely healed me when I was in trouble. I think He also used it to confirm to Jon that he has been given the spiritual gift of healing and that God is calling him to use it.

My God is mighty to save! Praise Him in the highest!

Chapter Camp: Intro

I spent this past week at 9,000 ft. at Bear Trap Ranch in the breathtaking Colorado Rockies for Chapter Camp. It was a week of Scripture study and leadership training with half the Intervarsity chapters from the Rocky Mountain Region.

Now I had anticipated that God would do something awesome in this place and time. However, He moved in an even more AWESOME and HUGER way than I could ever have expected.

I wanted to record a few of the stories here, so I've broken them down into a few different posts. Enjoy!

Sri Lanka and Me

Here is a poem I had to write for my ENG 400 class. Now, let me be clear, I am not a poet. However, I like what this is about and it's not nails-on-the-chalk-board-awful, so I would like to share it with you:

Sri Lanka and Me

I don’t realize that, of course,
It all had to come from somewhere,
An overwhelming thought.

Before they ever came to me,
These two legs
Traveled the world:

A vibrant mind translates to
Lead smudges and eraser shavings.
Artist strokes give them shape.

Raw hands gather fluffy living snow that
Doesn’t melt as the sun’s oven
Bakes earth, sweat, and song

Silver teeth flash
They lace a web around nimble fingers who
Know how to avoid the bite.

Bare feet replicate one motion
On the pedal to fashion a piece.
Each a source of life to the ones she treasures.

The bellies of planes, trains, and automobiles
Fill with heaps of denim.
Voices shout, ears follow, and directions flow.

Arms lift one pair to the shelf and I lift it off again.
All the threads meet as if by design.
I read made in Sri Lanka
But my eyes remain blind.

Slow burning coals...

I've had a lot to say lately but I've had zero time to say it!

I have a bit of stolen time today though, so I want to talk about something that's kicking around in my head today.

What does it mean to choose joy?

And how do we encourage one another to do so?

I think that joy is different than happiness. When you feel joy it's much more than happiness. It's strong, overflowing, passionate, and life giving. Sometimes that joy is a blazing hot bonfire and sometimes that joy is slow burning coals deep in the heart. But joy is so strong that it never truely dies. It's always there.

And joy is independent of circumstances. That is why joy, like love, is a choice. It is right to choose joy because joy reflects a belief in what is true. God is good and He loves us. God is strong and victorious. He is here and He is bringing us back to Him. These things are the true foundation of joy.

However, when my face is lying in the dirt and my heart has turned to jello, choosing joy seems impossible. When it's that bad nothing I can do or think can make me feel better. And that makes me feel angry and like I'm failing to choose joy. It also makes me feel guilty because I'm acting ungrateful for who God is. So if someone comes up to me and says "You just need to choose joy" it actually makes it worse. I just want to yell "I can't!"

In those hours of darkness though, God has gently led me to seek His face despite whether I feel like doing it or not. He leads me to pour my heart out to Him in prayer, to discover His promises in Scripture, to praise Him, to ask for what I need, to list things I am thankful for, to pour love into others, and to just get up in the morning and eat breakfast. I do all these things when I don't want to and when I don't feel like any of it is true or worth it. In those times feeling the joy has always taken a long time to come. But each time I have eventually been restored to the point of feeling the joy.

A friend of mine who is very wise about the nature of joy told me "Sometimes you have to do what's right and true until you feel it. Keep pressing in and then the feeling and understanding will come." That's what I think it means to choose joy. To do things that pursue joy and truth until the joy breaks through. This means I can choose to pursue joy in the midst of depression and eventually that joy will defeat the depression. Even if my circumstances are terrible, they don't have to change for joy to fill my life.

This is why I can say that, for me, college has been a time of immense suffering and a time of incredible joy.

So, I will continue to remain dependent on God, press in, and pursue joy even when I don't feel it. I will encourage others to follow the gentle lead of God and do the same. And it will bring breakthrough and victory! :)

The Well

The following is a story/response that I wrote last May at Chapter Camp. We were learning about the woman that Jesus meets at the well in John 4. I wrote this to try and put into words the place I was in then. When I ran across it in my old notebook last night I realized that it's something that is still really special to me right now. :)

The Well:

I knew I needed to make the long journey up this mountain. I had responsibilities and things to get done. I was tired and thirsty and heartbroken, but life couldn't stop just because I was tired. So, I came to the well to work and get done what I had to. I didn't expect Jesus to be there.

Today I met Jesus at a well. He was just sitting there waiting for me. He started talking to me. Why on Earth would Jesus talk to me? He started talking about life and sustenance. I said, "Oh, I could use some of that. I have nothing left to keep moving in this life." And how did He respond? He told me a story about another Rachel at a well.

Rachel met Jacob at a well. Jacob was traveling when she came to water her sheep. Rachel was so beautiful that he flung aside a heavy rock from the well, kissed her, wept, and arranged to marry her. He loved her.

And there I was, standing with Jesus at a well. He saw straight into my heart. He said, "You are burdened with sadness and anxiety. You feel lost and betrayed. But I know your past. I know what you want. You want to be chosen, loved, romanced, and called beautiful. I have come to this well to claim you as my own."

"You are beautiful. I am captivated by your beauty. I love you and I want to be with you! Yes, I know that you are a "Samaritan woman". You gave your heart away to someone other than me. But I didn't come for a perfect "Jewish" girl with a perfect pedigree. I came for you. I choose you."

"And my love, the water in my cup will complete you and heal you, if you will only come and drink from it. I want you to come and be the heroine of my story. I will restore you once again and we'll go on crazy adventures together. We'll go together!"

I met my true love today at a well. He told me everything I had ever done and then began to heal it within me. He's beginning to bring this darkness out of my heart by exposing it to His light and filling me with His living water.

Now I want to run from the well! I want to run with Him and proclaim this crazy love. You are loved by the God of the universe! Come to the water all who are thirsty and all who are weak. He brings life and forgiveness to all who will drink!

I came to the well and I drank. There I met my bridegroom. He chose me as his bride! Now we will run together over the hills and heights, always together, proclaiming the infinite depth and abundance of His love.

Do you see opportunity?

I’ve been pondering the word opportunity a lot lately.

It started at Urbana when the president of Intervarsity told the stories of some people who became Christians in college. They moved on to change the world in incredible ways, and each chose to follow Jesus because of one of their friends.

He said something to the effect of, “What you do for God in college may be the most important thing you ever do.”

This got me thinking. The people I know and interact with right now represent unique opportunities that I will never have again to change the world. My life could have an immense impact just through being someone’s friend and caring about them.

We studied the first 18 verses of James at Bible study. What kept standing out to me was that trials and difficult times are opportunities. They are an opportunity for us to stand firm for what is right, to grow in maturity to the point of lacking nothing, to fulfill our purposes, and to earn “the crown of life.” James sees these opportunities and it brings him joy.

Then the speaker at Intervarsity large group brought these two ideas together. He spoke from the parable of the unfruitful fig tree in Luke 13:6-9. He told a story of a guy named Keith. Think of the scariest college student you’ve ever met and this guy was like that. But the speaker and his friends poured their hopes, friendship, and work into Keith. They persevered through all the ups and downs and saw Keith’s life transformed!

After large group, someone trusted me and a couple friends enough to talk about the character of God and how he felt about life etc., even though we were all Christians and he wasn’t. He said he trusted us because of a time we all took a walk together to look at the stars. Can changing the world be as simple as talking a walk with someone to look at the stars?

I watched the movie The Soloist last night. The story centers on two very different men, each in their own kind of destitution. Through friendship, they essentially save each other’s lives.

When faced with a bad circumstance, a difficult person to love, deep suffering, or a hopeless situation I often focus on the darkness. In every day conversations and interactions I fail to consider their possibilities. What if instead, I looked for the opportunities?

Do you see the opportunity to love this person? To show someone Jesus? For change and transformation? To grow? For goodness and life to flourish?

I want to be able to say yes.

I see opportunity.

Hello Hurricane

I think the death of the doubter finally began today.

Yes!!

Thank you to my amazing friends who advocated for me, listened to my rants, believed in me, and let me cry. I owe you so much.

Today, purely out of grace (because I certainly didn't deserve it!), a stressful disagreement was resolved and I got to spend a couple hours with someone I love spending time with. I certainly didn't expect that!

I also realized today that my current state can best be defined by 50% of Switchfoot's album Hello Hurricane. Here are some samples:

"I am my own affliction. There aint no drug to make me well. I made a mess of me. Wanna get back to less of me."

"Your love is a symphony, all around me, runnin' to me. I've got my eyes wide open. [I will be] keeping my hopes unbroken."

"Don't let go. Don't give up hope. All is forgiven. All is not lost. Become who you are."

"Do you love me enough to let me go? To let me follow through? To let me fall for you?"

"There's a storm up ahead. Hello, hurricane. You're not enough. You can't silence my love."

"We rise and fall together. Our hearts still beat below. You can't stand by forever. You're a kid with a bullet soul. Are you ready to go?"

Ready to go?

Yes.

Doubting Thomas

Tonight I feel like the Nicklecreek song "Doubting Thomas"

This morning I was full of anticipation, excitement, and confidence about going back to school. Then it took on moment to utterly shatter that. In its place I now have anxiety, weariness, and fear.

Is my faith that fragile? How can I suddenly be filled with such doubt?

And then something else wonderful happens, but I become filled with doubts about that! Who knew it would be so difficult to be thankful? Why is it so hard for me to trust?

Now I think my faith in the promises I've been given has deep roots. It's alive down there somewhere. I'm half writing this to prove myself an idiot when everything works out fine tomorrow.

Hopefully by tomorrow (or at least soon) I'll look back at this and say "Rachel, what an idiot you were to doubt."

Hopefully.

Til then, it's goodnight from Doubting Thomas.

Miss Potter

Today I watched the movie "Miss Potter". It tells the life story of the author and artist Beatrix Potter. Her books were among my favorites as a child and as a "writer" I figured it was probably a story that would captivate me. So, I accepted my mom's recommendation and watched it with her.

I did thoroughly enjoy it, but it made me think about something unexpected...

WARNING: This Contains Spoilers from "Miss Potter". This is a great movie, so feel free to skip this until you have seen it.

I expected the movie to be about a simple artist's triumph, not a love story. And, really, I'm not very sentimental. Most love stories usually don't sweep me off my feet. However, I think the unexpected, simple, and genuine nature of Beatrix's romance hooked me. The look on Norman's face when Beatrix accepted his marriage proposal plastered a goofy joyful smile on my face. Haha. :)

When I saw the story taking a tragic turn, I braced myself. "Oh, this is going to be a sad story," I said to myself. Sure enough, he was gone.

As Beatrix lay utterly broken on the floor in the dark I couldn't help but picture myself there.
My first reaction was, "That seals it. She was perfectly fine until love came along and ruined her life. It is better to remain connected in other ways to life and avoid that kind of heart destruction."

This is a question I wrestle with. Do I really want a man to come into my life whom I will deeply love? Is it really worth the likely heartbreak? Won't I probably end up with my face buried in the carpet for it? Shouldn't I fear love first and foremost?

Then two other phrases came into my mind: "What is love without much risk?" and "We are thankful for the time we have been given."

I know that love is all that matters in life; it's the only thing that lasts and what humans are meant for. But the very essense of love is risk. And that applies to all love, not just romantic love. True love extends itself without conditions of reward, return, or response. It is just an invitation and a gift. How vulnerable that makes the loving heart! But to choose to love is always worth the risk. Now, I feel romantic love is more complicated and elusive than that. However, I know in this area I need to keep reminding myself to trust The One who holds my heart to lead me to good places and to not shut myself off in fear from good gifts from Him. And when trouble comes from this broken world, I'll have to keep reminding myself that He has not only overcome those things, but He has experienced them. He has loved (and loves) with much risk.

As for the second phrase, I am currently standing at a point where I have to choose whether to enter into this risk or not. I don't know what's going to happen. But I've decided a few things. I need to let go and know that I want what He wants. He alone is trustworthy, so I want what He wants. :) Also, I've promised Him that beginning now I will each day be thankful for [and content with] the time I have been given from Him. This is a surprisingly difficult thing to do with sincerity. Maybe that's why it's actually a pretty effective attitude adjuster. When I can bring my heart and mind into alignment with "I want what He wants" and "I am thankful for the time I have been given" it brings me a great deal of peace and joy. *sigh of relief* That makes the unknown and the vulnerability a lot easier to carry. :)

Finally, this connects to lines that stream from my computer speakers right now. "Do you love me enough to let me go? To let me follow through? To let me fall for you?" So for now, I'll keep working on letting go.

And just as a ps...one of the dissatisfactions that I have with the beloved English language is that it provides only one word for love...that and the fact that lightning cannot be turned into a verb. Perhaps future English speakers will remedy this. :)